


Atlantis Underhill

by havocthecat



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Urban Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Werewolves Are Known, Animal Transformation, Daily life on Atlantis, Domovoi Character, F/M, Faerie Character, Faeries on Atlantis, Het, Laura Cadman & Kate Heightmeyer Friendship, Mermaid Character, Multi, Sidhe, Sidhe Character, Threesome - F/F/M, Vampire Sex, Vampires, Werewolves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-26
Updated: 2018-01-26
Packaged: 2019-03-09 14:14:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13483179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/havocthecat/pseuds/havocthecat
Summary: There are supernatural creatures in the Atlantis expedition. Yes, I mean above and beyond the life-sucking alien vampires. Because it wasn't just the misfits of the human world that decided Atlantis was their home.





	Atlantis Underhill

**Author's Note:**

> This story is set during second season, starting right around "Grace Under Pressure," and with a slight AU to that ep, and going through the near end of season two. Crackfic. Pure crackfic. I blame medie and deire for encouragement and betareading, though I was the one who was all, "...you know how everyone turned John and Rodney into different animals all the time, right? It'd be fun if there was a reason why John kept turning into different animals."
> 
> I never did end up with much of a plot. Or a conclusion. I always meant to go back and make something happen and didn't get to it, and after ten years, it's not going to happen. Instead, please have a series of vignettes that string together in a rather coherent order, but without a general plot.

The sweat-soaked sheet clung to Elizabeth's body. She lay motionless in her bed, her head pillowed on one arm as she stared up at the full moon. Something rustled, far down the hallway, and Elizabeth sat up, pushing the sheet off and letting the moon bathe her skin in a luminous glow. She stared down at her hands, not awake, but not asleep either, unwinding the gauze bandage covering her left palm, flexing her fingers and staring at her short, blunt, nails. She ran her tongue over her dull teeth, and then stood abruptly, her hands running through her hair, then skimming down past cold, hairless bare skin. Too small. Shut in. No space to run, hunt, breathe. Elizabeth walked forward, out the door, into the hallway and then out, onto the balcony, where she stood, face upturned, and waited for the change to begin.

***

"So what're you doing around here, Kate?" asked John. He was leaning against a wall in her office, tossing something absently from one hand to the other.

"Working, Colonel Sheppard," she said, glancing up at him with a slight grin.

"Working, huh?" John smiled slowly. "Can't have that, now, can we?" 

He tossed the object at her, and she reached out absently and caught it, only to drop it quickly with a hiss of pain. The blunt iron arrowhead thudded dully on her desk.

"Kate?" John frowned, suddenly alert. "You okay?"

"Fine," she said shortly, holding one hand gingerly. 

John pushed himself up from the wall and came over to Kate. "Let me see your hand."

"I'm _fine_ , John," she said firmly.

John ignored her, reaching for her hand and turning it over, gently opening up the curled fingers. "Doesn't look like you're fine to me," he said. "You want to tell me what's going on?"

"I've got an allergy," said Kate. "I break out in a rash when I come into contact with any metal that's not highly refined."

"That's not a rash," said John, nodding at Kate's hand. "That's a burn mark. Going to scar too, I'm thinking."

"It won't scar," said Kate shortly.

***

"Good luck, Rodney," said Laura, grinning. She darted into the front of the jumper slammed the controls, shutting the rear door in Rodney's face as she waved cheerfully. The windshield burst, water pouring in as Laura quickly shed her uniform pants, and, yeah, her underwear too. Then her jacket, uniform shirt, and finally, her bra. If she got caught, this was going to be _awfully_ embarrassing. She sat in the jumper chair, staring down as greenish-blue scales formed on her legs while they fused together. When the water was over her head, she took a deep breath, floating out the window and making sure not to shred her tail on the broken glass.

Maybe there was something she could do from outside. At the very least, McKay wasn't going to be completely alone, whether he knew it or not.

***

"So what is it?" asked John. "And why won't you go see Carson?"

"Why won't you _listen_ to me?" asked Kate, reaching into her desk drawer. She pulled out a bandage and a jar of ointment and opened it. "I'm going to be fine. How did you get a cold iron arrowhead?"

"Something I picked up on Earth," said John shortly. "Why're you calling it cold iron?"

Kate sighed, smearing ointment on her hand and winding a bandage around it. "Because I'm a member of the Seelie Court."

John stared at her blankly. "And that means what, Kate?"

"I'm one of the daoine sidhe." She paused. 

No response from John. 

"The Fair Folk." 

A shake of John's head and a slightly confused look was all she got.

Kate frowned. "Fine. I'm a faerie."

"A faerie?"

"Some people would use that term, _yes_." Kate's mouth tightened.

"My girlfriend's a faerie," said John, snickering.

"Do you want to learn what elf-shot really means, John?"

"Can you introduce me to that Legolas guy from those movies?" asked John. "Better yet, that Galadriel chick. She was hot."

"She was also _fictional_ , and I'm your girlfriend." Kate tucked the ends of the bandage in place and glared at John.

"So that's a no, then."

***

Elizabeth rolled over, flinging her arm over her eyes as the sunlight streamed in. She groaned, her head throbbing in time with her heartbeat, then stopped, feeling the press of warm skin against her body. Someone was in her bed? She cracked her eyes, seeing smooth, brown skin. Ronon? She heard a distinctly feminine voice groaning, and opened her eyes further. Teyla? Elizabeth turned her head and then sat up, eyes wide. "What happened last night?" she asked. Ronon and Teyla were laying on either side of her, both as naked as she was.

"Don't ask me," said Ronon, lounging with his arms behind his head. He smirked up at Elizabeth. "Though it looks like we all had a good time."

"It would appear that _something_ happened last night," said Teyla. "I hope, at least, that we enjoyed ourselves greatly. Do neither of you remember?"

Elizabeth shook her head.

"Nope," said Ronon. "You?"

"I remember nothing," said Teyla.

***

"Cadman?" Rodney gaped at her. "Wait, how is it that you're not dead? And how is it--" He glanced down, then jerked his head back up, cheeks flaming red. "Would you put on some _clothes_?"

Laura shrugged. Colonel Sheppard's jacket was draped over her shoulders and blowing slightly in the wind on the pier. "Can't. Lost 'em in the ocean."

"How did you lose your _underwear_ in the ocean?" Rodney was huddled under a blanket in the infirmary.

Carson walked by, eyes wide. "Don't ask, Rodney."

"It's a long story," added Laura. "And weird."

"It cannot _possibly_ be weirder than my day," said Colonel Sheppard.

"I think you both need to talk to Dr. Heightmeyer about your experiences," said Carson, eying Laura and Rodney warily. 

Colonel Sheppard controlled a wince.

"Since you said you're having problems with hallucinations, Rodney, and Lieutenant Cadman here is claiming either amnesia or hallucinations, I'm not really sure which." Carson marked something on his clipboard.

"Beats me," said Laura, shrugging. "Can't we blame it all on Ancient tech?"

" _No_ ," said Carson firmly.

"Huh," said Laura. "Bummer."

***

"You are eating more meat than usual," Teyla pointed out.

"So are you," said Ronon, spearing another hunk of steak. "So's Elizabeth."

"She does not normally eat her steaks--" Teyla glanced curiously at Elizabeth. "What is the term?"

"Rare," said Elizabeth, cutting a deep red slice of steak. "I normally like my steak well done." She looked faintly nauseated at the thought.

"And now?" asked Ronon.

"I think that's obvious," said Elizabeth.

***

"Sheppard, your girlfriend is an elf." Rodney stopped typing and looked up from his monitor, crossing his arms and staring at John.

"Shut up, Rodney," muttered John. He was sitting on one of the chairs in Rodney's lab and spinning absently on it. "She's allergic to unrefined metals."

"You tossed _cold iron_ at her, and it burned her skin," said Rodney. "I'm a scientist, and I deal with enough weird crap every day that I'm not even going to discount the possibility that elves are real." He paused. "It seems unlikely, though."

"She says she'd really prefer it if you called her a Sidhe."

"Hah!" exclaimed Rodney, pointing at John. "So I'm right. Did you know this before you started dating the expedition's shrink?"

"McKay--"

"You've got to admit, this whole unbelievably hot, unbelievably inhuman girlfriend thing is a trend for you." Rodney frowned. "The anthropology department hasn't gotten ahold of this, has it? They'll be on her case endlessly."

"So what's up with Cadman?" asked John. "You got any idea how she survived? And was she flying the jumper naked?"

"I don't know!" said Rodney, glaring at John. "She was fully clothed, she slammed the rear door of the puddlejumper shut, I heard the windshield shatter, and then later, pier, Cadman, naked. I don't get it."

***

"So what's got the Colonel freaking out?" asked Laura.

"Why don't we talk about the memories you have from the incident with the puddlejumper?" asked Kate.

"Because I don't want to."

"That line never works on me," said Kate mildly. "So, Laura, why don't you tell me what happened?"

"I don't remember."

Kate set her pen aside, closed her notebook, and smiled at Laura. "Let's try this one again, off the record," she said. "You survived a crash that took you over two thousand feet underwater, and you were definitely not trapped in the rear of the puddlejumper with Dr. McKay, especially as you're the one who trapped him there."

"So he'd survive!" exclaimed Laura.

"Except that you wouldn't have survived," said Kate. "Unless you can breathe underwater which, if I'm not mistaken, none of us can do."

"I really hate you, you know," said Laura. She crossed her arms and glared at Kate.

"No, you don't." Kate shrugged. "You just don't want me asking what happened. This _is_ confidential, Laura."

***

Laura folded her clothes, tucking them on the edge of a pier, and ran to the edge, jumping off and splashing saltwater across the entire dock. She laughed, bobbing along the waves. "Big city," she said, pushing wet hair back and smiling at the feel of water streaming down her skin. "Wonder if I could swim around you and not get caught?" A curious-sounding yip caught her attention, and Laura swam backwards, startled, her tail slapping against the water.

Three wolves stood on the dock. The lead wolf, with green eyes and dark, reddish-brown fur, had its head cocked, and was studying Laura with an intent, curious gaze.

"What?" asked Laura. "You've never seen a mermaid before?"

The other two wolves started forward, but the third wolf _shook its head_ , and they froze.

"Something tells me you guys aren't ordinary wolves," said Laura, swimming forward warily. "Especially because Atlantis doesn't have wildlife. We'd have noticed you guys before now."

One of the back wolves, a big one with black fur and--Laura inched forward in the water to peer at his eyes--blue eyes that shaded into amber, bared his teeth in what she could swear was an amused grin.

"You are _not_ supposed to be able to do that," said Laura. She flicked droplets of water at the big wolf. "Come on, what are you guys?"

The green-eyed wolf padded to the edge of the peer and stared at the water consideringly. 

"No. No, no, no," said Laura, backing up. "Okay, sweetie, let's get one thing clear. You're a _land_ animal. Plus, wet dog fur smells awful."

Laura could swear that those green eyes turned icy cold. When did wolves get intelligent expressions? Didn't matter, because the growling made it _pretty_ damn clear that all three of them were unhappy. 

"Fine, fine," she said, raising her hands and swimming backwards. "Wet wolf fur. Still smells gross. You guys happy now?"

***

Elizabeth opened her eyes, sighing quietly at the sight of Ronon and Teyla, arms around each other, and around her. She was starting to get used to waking up naked in bed with the two of them, which worried her far less than it ought to.

"Elizabeth?" Teyla's voice was laced with concern.

Elizabeth shook her head. "I don't know what's happening to us," she said. "We all went to sleep in our own beds last night, didn't we?" Except she hadn't gone to sleep. The last thing she remembered was changing into pajamas and pacing her quarters, thinking that the moon was incredibly bright.

"I bid John good night after sparring with him," said Teyla. "I was...walking to my quarters."

"I was outside," said Ronon. "On the balcony."

"So how are we ending up in bed together every morning?" Elizabeth glanced down and blushed. "Without our clothing, no less."

"I am afraid I do not know," said Teyla. "Perhaps we should go and see Dr. Beckett? Or Dr. Heightmeyer?"

"Or maybe not," said Ronon. 

Teyla frowned, leaning over Elizabeth and burying her nose in Ronon's hair.

"Okay, that's more than a little strange," said Elizabeth, trying not to notice exactly what kind of reaction she was having to Teyla leaning over her.

Teyla turned, looking curiously at Elizabeth. "Why does Ronon's hair smell of seawater?"

"I haven't the faintest idea," said Elizabeth. She leaned closer to Ronon, catching the tang of salt in his hair. When she put her hand on his shoulder to steady herself, the scent of arousal reached her, and Elizabeth breathed in deeply. Their scents mixed together, three distinct odors blending. "This isn't normal."

Ronon's laugh rumbled in her ears. "Out of everything going on here," he said. "This is the most normal thing." 

Elizabeth glanced down, blushing, and saw that he was hard, and then over at Teyla, whose mouth was parted as she leaned toward them, her chest heaving. Elizabeth was breathing heavily as she reached out to pull Ronon to her. He moved forward eagerly as Elizabeth straddled him, her mouth crushing against his as he slid inside her.

Teyla whimpered, sliding against Elizabeth's back, and Elizabeth broke the kiss with Ronon, turning back to fist one hand in Teyla's hair and kiss her. Elizabeth held still as Ronon rocked against her, his hands palming her breasts, while Teyla's moans filled her ears. She shuddered, started moving, grinding her hips down on Ronon's cock until she was coming, biting against Teyla's throat to muffle her cry. Teyla's head lolled to the side as she breathed Elizabeth's name.

"Elizabeth--" Ronon's voice was strangled as she slipped off him, turning to push Teyla down to the bed.

She glanced over her shoulder at him, green eyes sparkling with mischief. "You'll get your turn," she said, straddling Teyla, who gasped and arched her hips up, pushing against Elizabeth.

"I haven't--" Ronon fell silent at the look in Elizabeth's eyes. 

Elizabeth shook her head, then turned back to Teyla, bending low over her, their breasts and stomach and hips pushed together, and Elizabeth moved, sliding against Teyla, kissing her, wrapping her arms around Teyla's neck. Ronon slid inside Elizabeth, pushing harder than before, his hands tightly on her hips, as Teyla exhaled softly, her head flung back as Elizabeth brought her hand between their bodies, sliding her fingers lightly over Teyla's clit, then harder, until Teyla convulsed, and Elizabeth shoved her hips back, crying out again, as Ronon's movements became erratic, his breathing labored. He shouted against her, his weight falling on Elizabeth as she moved to lay against Teyla.

After a few minutes, Elizabeth had recovered enough to say, "What the _hell_ was that?"

"You mean you don't know?" Ronon chuckled.

Teyla frowned disapprovingly at Ronon. "It is not something Elizabeth would normally do," she said. "Nor I, to be honest."

Elizabeth nodded. "I've never done that before," she said, then smiled wryly. "Not with more than one person, at least." She took a deep breath, her hands tightening. Still, this felt better. They _smelled_ right now, whatever that meant.

"It was good," said Ronon.

"Yes," said Teyla. "I feel much more--settled."

Elizabeth traced her fingertips over the teeth marks on Teyla's throat. "Sorry," she whispered. 

"Do not be," said Teyla, closing her hand over Elizabeth's fingers, stilling them.

***

"How old are you, anyway?" asked John, looking up at Kate from where he was sprawled out on his bed.

Kate gave John a curious look. "Old enough to have read War and Peace more times than you," she said. "What brought that question on?"

"Aren't faeries supposed to be, I don't know--" John closed War and Peace with a heavy thunk. "Immortal or something?"

Kate nodded. "We are, yes, unless killed by cold iron," she said. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't call me a faerie. It's a defense mechanism of yours, and frankly, it's annoying."

"So why are you here?" John frowned at her. "I mean, what got you signing on to an expedition to get out of the entire galaxy? Sure, maybe you were going to survive it, but spending pretty much forever stuck with no way to get home would kinda suck."

"You haven't met my family," said Kate.

"That bad?"

"It's very rare for one of us to die," said Kate. "We're very--traditional."

"Seriously, Kate, how old are you?" asked John suspiciously.

***

Elizabeth was nibbling on a strip of beef jerky when she heard something squeaking on the floor of her office. She glanced down, and there was a hamster crawling around her shoes. Her door slammed open, and Lieutenant Cadman stood in the doorway, panting. "Is he here?"

Elizabeth nodded and pointed downward. "My feet."

Lieutenant Cadman's eyes widened. "Sorry, Dr. Weir!" She darted behind Elizabeth's desk, arms outstretched, and dove forward.

A loud yowl came from outside Elizabeth's office, and the hamster squeaked and started climbing up Elizabeth's pants just as a chubby orange cat came careening through, claws scrabbling on the metal flooring. Dr. Zelenka shouted, following along behind the cat.

"You!" he exclaimed, eyes narrowed.

"Yeah, me," said Lieutenant Cadman, moving to block the cat from Elizabeth--and the cat. "I told you to catch him!"

Elizabeth's hand flashed and grabbed the hamster as she stood, holding it up, away from the cat Lieutenant Cadman had a tight grip on. "Does someone want to tell me what's going on?" she asked, her voice _entirely_ too quiet.

"Rodney is cat." Dr. Zelenka's hair was even wilder than usual, and there were freshly-made scratches all along his arms. Elizabeth's head snapped toward him as she scented blood.

"Rodney's a _cat_?" yelped Elizabeth.

"That's Colonel Sheppard you're holding onto!" snapped Lieutenant Cadman, wrapping her arms around Rodney-the-cat and clamping his mouth shut with one hand. The cat gave a very irritated-sounding growl and glared up at Lieutenant Cadman.

"John's a _hamster_?" Elizabeth sat, and put John on her desk, staring down at him. She looked up at Lieutenant Cadman and Dr. Zelenka. "You two, in here. Now. Close the door, and tell me what happened to my military commander and chief scientist."

***

"I'm afraid I really can't say what happened, Elizabeth," said Carson, turning away from his monitor. "Genetically, they're animals. A hamster and a cat, and they both have the ATA gene, which I find extremely odd, since that's a human trait."

"Fix them," said Ronon, arms crossed. His back was against the wall of the infirmary, and he stared unblinkingly at Carson as Teyla prowled in front of him.

"I don't know how to do that!" exclaimed Carson.

He pushed himself up from the wall, stalking towards Carson. "Find a way," he growled. 

"Ronon!" Elizabeth's voice lashed out, and Ronon froze. "Carson's doing the best he can."

"I am sure he will find some way to cure them," said Teyla. She fixed Carson with a hard look.

Carson gulped.

***

Radek opened the door to Dr. Heightmeyer's office, closed it quietly behind him, and walked up to her desk. "Fix it."

"Excuse me?" asked Kate, her voice icy. She moved, graceful and poised, to look up at Radek.

"Do not be assuming I am stupid mortal who does not know what Fair Folk can do," snapped Radek.

"I know what you are, little cousin," said Kate, crossing her arms. "Don't you have a laboratory to clean?"

"I am not housekeeper," said Radek. "I am domovoi, not brownie. Protector of home. Atlantis is home. Fix Rodney and Colonel Sheppard now, please."

"So polite." Kate's slow rise to her feet and her frozen eyes had Radek backing up. "You're making demands of _me_? You're a house sprite."

Radek stopped himself and took a deep breath. "You lose temper? At Colonel Sheppard and Rodney?" He waved his hands in the air dismissively. "Everyone loses temper at them. They are annoying men. But they are needed. They are friends. Are you not lovers with Colonel Sheppard?"

***

"What happened?" asked Elizabeth.

"I don't know!" exclaimed Carson. "One minute they were animals, and the next--"

"Poof," said Lieutenant Cadman.

"Poof?" Elizabeth frowned at Lieutenant Cadman.

She shrugged. "I was bringing Rodney some canned tuna, and getting some lettuce for Colonel Sheppard, and then, suddenly--" Lieutenant Cadman shrugged again. "Poof. Human again. I'm thinking unknown Ancient technology."

"Right," said Carson doubtfully. "Why haven't we encountered it before, then?"

"Beats me," said Lieutenant Cadman, backing up. "Can I go? Before they wake up?"

Elizabeth waved her hand at the door tiredly. "We'll see you later, Lieutenant."

Laura ran.

***

Laura drifted in the water near the peer, crooning softly at the bluish-black not-quite-a-tuna that had come to play. She turned at the soft bark, and saw the three wolves sitting on the dock, watching her. "So, you guys are back, huh?" She tickled the not-tuna on its chin, then leaned over and whispered in its ear. It turned and swam slowly away, making a strange bleating sound before it went.

The ginger wolf was staring at the fish, and Laura shook one finger at it. "Don't even think about it, you," she said. "He's a friend."

The green-eyed wolf pawed at the edge of the dock, then pointed her muzzle at Laura.

"You want me to sit up there?" asked Laura. She gave them a confused look. "You sure you just don't want a mermaid sandwich?"

The green-eyed wolf whuffed with something that sounded like laughter.

"Fine, no mermaid sandwich, jeez," said Laura, swimming over to the dock and leaning on it. "But I _like_ the water. You guys could come on in here and play, and I could ignore the wet fur smell."

***

"Ready for another session, Laura?" asked Kate.

"I think Colonel Sheppard's a bit mad at me," said Laura, collapsing into a chair. "Ever notice how the weird around here is getting weirder?"

"What do you mean by that?" asked Kate, sitting back and looking at Laura curiously. 

"Colonel Sheppard spends the day as a hamster, with Rodney the cat chasing after him, and you don't think that's weirder than usual?" asked Laura. She gave Kate a dubious look. "You feeling okay, Kate?"

Kate colored faintly, and Laura sat up, alert. "I'm sure that Dr. Beckett will--" began Kate.

"You know something," said Laura accusingly.

"What?" Kate shook her head. "No, of course not. How would I know how John and Rodney got turned into animals?"

"You blushed!" said Laura. "It was a guilty blush, too, and everyone already knows you and John are dating, so you may as well stop trying to hide it."

"He's my patient," said Kate. "I'm not supposed to be dating him, so I'd appreciate it if you could at least _try_ to keep it a secret."

"Hey, we're out here in another galaxy," said Laura. She glanced around. "With life-sucking vampire aliens. What's the bigger concern here?"

"If it gets back to Earth--" started Kate, leaning forward.

"If it gets back to Earth, we'll all deny it," said Laura. "Look, Kate, I don't _care_ if you're sleeping with a patient. I mean, jeez, look at me and Carson. Like we can talk?"

Kate sagged back, sighing in relief. "All right, John and I are dating," she said.

"Good." Laura smirked. "So now that we're past _that_ little breach of ethics, what do you know about hamster John and cat Rodney? And did you know I got security footage?"

***

"What did you do?" Rodney frowned over at John.

"What do you mean, 'what did I do?'" John held up his hands, the picture of wounded innocence.

"Don't even try that," said Rodney, his voice scathing. "Please. Did you or did you not admit to me already that your girlfriend is an immortal elf?"

"I'm getting the feeling she doesn't like to be called that," said John. 

"Fine, she's a faerie," said Rodney. 

"That either," added John.

Rodney ignored him. "And the last thing I remember before waking up in the infirmary with Cadman smirking at me _again_ is walking into your quarters, finding her dangling a hamster by its tail, and lecturing it on manners. A hamster which, it later turned out, was you. What. Did. You. Do?"

"I asked her how old she was," mumbled John.

"You _what_?" Rodney looked away, then back at John. "Sheppard, you are _kidding me_. Are you saying you were stupid enough to ask a woman how old she is? Much less one that's apparently a hell of a lot older than she looks? And can turn you into a tiny, easily-squashable rodent?"

"I didn't know she could--" John stopped as the door opened.

Radek walked into the room, stared at John and Rodney, and shook his head. "Idiots, both of you," he snapped. "Dr. Heightmeyer has temper. You think cat and hamster are bad? Do not let her hear _this_ conversation."

John and Rodney straightened. "Radek, are you saying you know about Dr. Heightmeyer?" asked Rodney slowly.

"You could've warned us!" exclaimed John.

Radek shook his head. "I stay out of Dr. Heightmeyer's way. She stays out of mine. Is that simple."

"How'd you find out?" asked Rodney, eyes narrowed.

***

"You smell of the ocean even more strongly today," said Teyla. She leaned forward, her tongue tracing the line of Ronon's bicep. "And you taste of the ocean as well."

Elizabeth at up, stretched with her arms upraised, then lay back, lounging on the pillows as she watched them. "It's overpowering," she said.

"We all smell of the ocean," said Teyla. She turned her head to Elizabeth, smirking, and bent down. Her mouth closed around Elizabeth's nipple, and Elizabeth gasped, arching her back as her hands tangled in the blankets.

"I could get used to this," said Ronon, laying down next to them, one large hand gliding along Teyla's body, curving down until his fingers moved against her slick heat. He circled her entrance, teasing at her, until Teyla's mouth broke from Elizabeth's skin and she glared back at him. 

"Do it," said Teyla, and Ronon just smirked at her, until she _growled_ , and then Ronon slid two fingers inside her, and Elizabeth grabbed Teyla's hair, hauling her back down to Elizabeth's body. They moved together, Ronon's thumb making slow circles of Teyla's clit as his fingers moved inside her. Teyla slid down, moaning and thrusting her hips against Ronon's fingers as she kissed Elizabeth's soft stomach, then quickly, before Elizabeth could object, down, between Elizabeth's thighs. She tasted Elizabeth, let Elizabeth's scent flood her senses, as she sucked, her tongue licking at Elizabeth's clit. Ronon leaned forward, breathing deeply, his fingers sweet and just short of painful inside her, his thumb against her pushing hard, so Teyla lifted her head and cried out, tremors wracking her body as she came.

"Teyla?" Elizabeth was looking down at her, concerned, and reaching with one hand to cup her face. Teyla turned into the touch, her eyes closed. "Are you all right?"

"I am well," said Teyla, breathing heavily. "That was very--intense."

Elizabeth laughed. "That's one way of putting it," she said.

"The polite way," said Ronon, chuckling also.

Teyla moved finally, sitting, and glancing between Elizabeth and Ronon. "Are you--" she began.

"Impatient," said Ronon. He looked speculatively at Elizabeth, who was had moved and was crawling toward him on the bed.

"Yes," breathed Elizabeth, shoving him down, and Teyla moved to the side, watching with a smile. "Very impatient." She slid onto him, rocking into his touch, their chests pressed together as Elizabeth tangled her hands in his locks and kissed him, biting down on Ronon's lip. His hands came up, resting on her hips, not gently, and Elizabeth shuddered, her eyes closing. Ronon's hands came up, across her back, and he wrapped his arms around her. 

Teyla watched, as his cock pumped into Elizabeth, how she jerked roughly against Ronon, crying out and biting his shoulder hard enough to bring the scent of blood to the air. Ronon's own completion came bare seconds later, when he growled Elizabeth's name moving furiously before finally stilling.

Elizabeth stared at Ronon, then moved off him, scrambling backwards. She swiped at the blood smeared on her lips, then stared down at her fingers, and up at Ronon and Teyla. "Something more is going on here," she said. She brought her fingers to her mouth, licking absently at the blood, then froze once she realized what she'd done. "Something's wrong. I don't think we can ignore that fact anymore."

***

"You notice something weird about Elizabeth lately?" asked John. He'd come into Kate's office without knocking and closed the door behind him.

Kate stared icily up at him. "I'm too angry to talk to you right now," she said.

"I don't really care," said John, smiling tightly. "Something's going on with Elizabeth, not to mention half my team, and since I'm guessing it's not physical, I can't go to Carson over it."

"Fine," said Kate, putting her handheld down. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know!" exclaimed John, coming over to sit on her desk. 

Kate glared at him. "Off. Use a chair, like everyone else."

John ignored her. "Look, she's been hanging out with Teyla and Ronon _constantly_ the past few days, and this morning, I saw them all coming out of Elizabeth's quarters together at dawn."

"Maybe she's involved with them," said Kate. "It is possible that Elizabeth has chosen to start a relationship with Ronon and Teyla because their status on Atlantis places them, in some ways, outside her jurisdiction as head of the expedition."

"Unlike you and me?" asked John, his mouth twisting.

"I thought you said this wasn't about us," snapped Kate.

"It's about us if you're going to turn me into a hamster again," said John. 

"I'm not going to turn you into a hamster again," said Kate. Maybe a fish next time, and she'd throw him in the ocean. Were there sharks around Atlantis?

"Good," said John. "The soldiers on KP have said that Elizabeth, Ronon, and Teyla have been eating together constantly. Rodney and I can barely get a minute alone with Ronon and Teyla these days."

"Maybe they've grown closer," said Kate. "They _did_ spend the night marooned off planet together, and they were the victims of a very traumatizing animal attack. That could be construed as a bonding experience."

"Lots of red meat?" 

Kate's head whipped up and she looked at John with a curious lift to her eyebrows. 

John nodded. "See what I mean about weird?" he asked.

"I'll schedule appointments with them," said Kate. "Both together and separately. Maybe it _is_ just an unusual reaction to an emotional event."

"Maybe," said John slowly. "Okay, so now that we've got _that_ settled, you want to tell me how long you're going to be mad at me?"

"You could apologize for being rude," said Kate. 

"You _turned me into a hamster_ ," said John.

"You asked some very insulting questions," said Kate.

"I think a guy has the right to ask how old his girlfriend is when he finds out that she's, I don't know, effectively _immortal_ ," said John. "It's not like this relationship is a casual thing for me, you know."

Kate frowned, worried. "Do you think I'm toying with you?" she asked, unable to stop a thread of worry from creeping into her voice.

"Hey, things have gotten a little weird here," said John. "Okay?"

Kate stood, walking around her desk, until she stood in front of John. She leaned forward, her hands resting on his cheeks, and let her forehead rest against his. "I love you, John Sheppard. You're a mortal man, and I'm not supposed to be with you. You're irritating as hell sometimes--"

"So much so that you _turned me into a hamster_ ," interrupted John.

Kate laughed softly. "Despite the fact that I've got a worse temper than anyone you'll ever meet, yes. John, I love you."

"Kate--" John shifted awkwardly as he settled his hands on her waist. "I--" He shook his head and stared at her, mouth hanging open. "I can't--"

"It's all right," said Kate, smoothing his hair back. "You don't have to say it. I already know."

John sighed, tension melting out of him. "I hate talking," he said, sulking.

"I know you do," murmured Kate, leaning in and pressing her mouth to his. "Sorry I turned you into a hamster."

"Thanks," said John, his hands slipping under her shirt. "Can we have make-up sex now?"

Kate lifted her arms so John could pull off her shirt. "I was hoping you could talk about _that_ , at least," she said, laughing.

"Who says I want to talk?" asked John, sliding the straps of Kate's bra down her shoulders. He slid down and spun Kate around, pressing her against the desk.

"Talking's overrated," agreed Kate, tugging John's shirt off in one smooth movement. 

John reached around Kate, unhooking the clasp of her bra and slipping it off, then tugged her pants down. "Let's do this on your desk," he said, his voice thick.

Kate leaned back and shoved her laptop and her handheld onto her chair, then jumped lightly so she was sitting on the edge of her desk. "Then you'd better get the rest of your clothing off, John," she said, grinning. 

"Can't I just stare at you for a while?" asked John, his hands frozen at his waistband.

Kate shook her head. "Not when I want you this much," she said.

John thought about that for all of half a second. "Good point," he said, kicking off his shoes, and shoving off the rest of his clothing. One step, then another, and Kate was reaching for him, hauling him up on the desk and then he was lowering her down, back against the wood, his mouth nuzzling at her neck. She dragged her nails up John's back, and he hissed. "Going to feel that tomorrow," he said.

"Sorry," muttered Kate, pulling John's mouth to hers so she could kiss him.

"It's fine," said John. His hand slid to her breast, his thumb sweeping across the hard point of Kate's nipple, and Kate groaned. "You like?"

"I don't want to wait," gasped Kate. "John, fuck me."

He paused. "I don't have a--"

"Do you know how hard it is for a sidhe to conceive?" asked Kate, reaching down, her palm wrapping around his cock. "I want you now."

John nodded, gasping as Kate guided him to her entrance and he slowly pushed inside her. She sighed, twisting against him, and John started moving slowly, his breath catching in his throat as the high-pitched wail that Kate was making. She braced her forearms on the desk, pushing them up, and wrapped her legs around John's waist. He was muttering incoherently, saying Kate's name over and over, until Kate's wail peaked and she shook against him, pulling him over the edge with her.

A few moments of laying on Kate's desk, slumped against each other, and John finally lifted his head to smile at her. "Good?" he asked.

Kate's smile was soft and affectionate. "Of course," she said.

***

Laura was in the mess, chowing down on some mashed potatoes and eying the fish of the day. Hopefully, it wasn't a friend, because she was _hungry_. She gave a little wave, fork in hand, as Dr. Weir walked by, then glanced up curiously when Dr. Weir paused, turned, and backtracked over to Laura. "Can I, uh, help you with something, Dr. Weir?"

Dr. Weir's head was tilted, and Laura could swear she was trying to smell something over the garlic powder the kitchen staff had used in today's mashed potatoes. "Have you been outside this morning, Lieutenant?" asked Dr. Weir, frowning slightly.

"Uh--" Laura looked blank. "No? Ma'am." She hadn't been outside since before sunrise, anyway, which technically counted. Last night, she'd talked the wolves into jumping off the pier, at least for a little while.

"That's odd." Dr. Weir shook her head. Her brow was furrowed. "You smell like the ocean."

"Maybe it's my perfume?" asked Laura, meeting Dr. Weir's concerned eyes. 

Her concerned _green_ eyes.

The wolf from the pier had green eyes. Laura glanced over to where Teyla and Ronon were sitting and staring at her and Dr. Weir. All of them had bypassed the fish of the day and gone straight for the not-really-cow-but-we-call-it-that special, and Dr. Weir's steak, at least, was pretty rare. Also Dr. Weir had been spending time with Teyla and Ronon a lot the past few days, and those other two wolves had been ginger and black, which-- Oh, boy.

"Lieutenant?" asked Dr. Weir.

"I've, uh--" Laura smiled brightly as she stood. "Kate's going to kill me if I miss another appointment, and I think I'm running late." She picked up her tray. "Got to go, Dr. Weir. Enjoy your lunch!"

She practically shoved her tray into the hands of a corporal assigned to clean-up work as she ran out the door.

***

"Kate, we've got to talk," said Laura, opening the door to Kate's office. 

Colonel Sheppard looked up from tucking his shirt in, and glared at her. "Haven't you ever heard of knocking, _Lieutenant_?"

Laura's eyes went wide, and one hand flew up to cover the 'o' of her mouth. "Sorry, sir!" she exclaimed, closing the door quickly.

"Did your parents ever teach you tact?" asked Kate, bending down to pick up her shirt.

"More than McKay's parents did," said Laura. "Look, I'm really sorry, but I have to talk to Kate--alone, sir--and I already told Kate no one was going to tell about the make-out time. It's important."

"Damn straight it's important!" exclaimed Colonel Sheppard. He glanced over at Kate, then stared as she slipped her shirt on.

"No, I mean I have to talk to Kate about something important," said Laura. "Not that secret make-out time _isn't_ important, but this is more important."

Kate sighed. "All right, Laura, I've got some clear time in my schedule right now," she said. "John, I'll see you later?"

"Dinner?" asked John, giving Laura one last glare before he turned to Kate.

"I'll see you tonight, then," said Colonel Sheppard.

Laura covered her eyes with one hand, because Colonel Sheppard had pulled Kate to him for a good-bye kiss.

"You can look now," said Colonel Sheppard dryly.

"I didn't peek!" exclaimed Laura, blushing. "I promise!" Except, of course, she really had.

Colonel Sheppard just stepped out the door, shaking his head in a way that promised she'd be joining Major Lorne in the extra paperwork brigade for a while.

"All right, Laura, what's so important that you barged in here?" asked Kate, picking her laptop up and starting it up again.

Laura hopped up on Kate's desk and sat, cross-legged. "I think--"

"I just had sex on that desk," said Kate.

Laura scrambled off the desk and stood, gaping at Kate. "You could've warned me!"

"My way is more fun," said Kate, smirking at Laura.

"You've officially been hanging out with Colonel Sheppard way too much," said Laura. She sat down gingerly in one of Kate's chairs. "The chair is safe, right?"

"Right," said Kate. "Now, Laura, what did you want to tell me?"

"Dr. Weir's a werewolf."

"She's what?" Kate leaned her elbows on the desk. "Are you sure?"

"Ew," said Laura, looking pointedly at Kate's desk.

"Well, I _was_ going to go and take a shower, but then you barged in and said you needed to talk to me _right now_ ," said Kate. "Why don't we start with how you know Elizabeth is a werewolf, and then move right on to how you know werewolves are real, and what exactly _you_ are?"

"Damn." Laura crossed her arms, sank down in the chair, and sulked at Kate. "Fine. Mermaid."

"That explains about the puddlejumper," murmured Kate.

"Yes, it does," said Laura, smirking. "What about you?"

"What do you mean?" asked Kate.

"Come on, random animal transformations of someone's boyfriend and his pain in the ass best friend do _not_ just happen," said Laura. "No one's buying that whole 'undiscovered Ancient technology' riff, by the way. Besides, you didn't ask me why I thought Dr. Weir was a werewolf. You just asked if I was sure."

Kate took a deep breath. "Sidhe."

Laura's eyes widened slightly. "Seelie or unseelie?" she asked, tensing. Her eyes flickered around the room. 

"Relax," said Kate. "Seelie Court. Now, tell me how you figured this out about Elizabeth."

"Yeah, slightly better. Seelie Court's at least going to give you warning before you fuck our shit up," said Laura. "Ronon and Teyla too."

"Great," said Kate, sighing.

***

"You tell her," said Kate. "It was your idea."

Laura shook her head as they walked through the control tower. "Oh, no," she said. "You're the expedition shrink. You do it."

"She'll listen to you more than she would me," said Laura. "Besides, I am not even _touching_ the issue of--"

"You're embarrassed," said Kate.

"Am not!" exclaimed Laura, pushing open the door to Elizabeth's office and holding it for Kate.

Rodney and John were frozen until the door closed behind the two women. "Was that--" started Rodney.

John nodded. "Yeah, she came over to Kate's office earlier today and said she had something important to talk about."

"How'd she get thick as thieves with Cadman, of all people?" asked Rodney. " _Cadman_. Who, by the way, still holds the title for most mysterious and unbelievable escape? For this year."

"You don't think--" John glanced over at Rodney, grimacing.

"Maybe," said Rodney. "You know, Sheppard, I don't have an ethical problem with hacking into the security feed in Elizabeth's office."

"Well, I do," said John firmly. "We'll just--wait." He stared at Elizabeth's office for a minute more, then grabbed Rodney's arm, dragging him off. "And possibly go and see if Dr. Zelenka knows anything."

"Oh, great," said Rodney. "He's going to hold that over me for the rest of my _life_."

***

"Dr. Heightmeyer," said Elizabeth, looking puzzled as her office door swung open. "Lieutenant Cadman. What can I do for you today?"

"It's kind of complicated," said Lieutenant Cadman. 

"I can guess," said Elizabeth. "I wasn't aware the two of you were friends."

Kate and Laura glanced at each other, and Lieutenant Cadman shifted awkwardly. "We're not," she said. "Normally friends, I mean. But things have been getting weird lately, ma'am."

"Tell me about it," muttered Elizabeth. She waved at the chairs in front of her desk, and then frowned, catching a whiff of someone else's scent as Kate sat. "I also didn't know you and John were involved."

"Apparently you were the only one who didn't," said Kate, sighing and leaning back.

"Told you!" exclaimed Lieutenant Cadman, turning to Kate with a triumphant expression.

"I said I believed you," said Kate, glancing over at Lieutenant Cadman.

"Ladies!" snapped Elizabeth, a little more sharply than she'd intended. "Would one of you kindly tell me what you're talking about?"

"There's not an easy way to say this," said Kate. "But--"

"You're a werewolf," said Lieutenant Cadman. "So are Ronon and Teyla."

"Excuse me?" Elizabeth's eyebrows were raised, and she could see Lieutenant Cadman steeling herself.

"The thing is, ma'am," said Lieutenant Cadman. "We've got three wolves wandering Atlantis at night. And they remind me an awful lot of you, Ronon, and Teyla."

"There are wolves on Atlantis? And you haven't reported this fact to anyone?" Elizabeth's voice was steel.

"Elizabeth, I think that's a secondary concern here," said Kate soothingly. Elizabeth's eyes narrowed and she switched her glare to Kate.

"My worries about the fact that there are three dangerous creatures on Atlantis that have gone unreported are hardly secondary, Dr. Heightmeyer," said Elizabeth. "Lieutenant, why didn't you report this to Colonel Sheppard before now?"

Laura sighed. "Here we go," she said. "I was skinny-dipping, ma'am. I saw the wolves on the north pier."

"You were _what_?" asked Elizabeth. "Lieutenant, we haven't even begun to explore this planet's landmass, much less its oceans. Do you know how dangerous that is? I thought you were more sensible than that!"

"Hey," said Laura indignantly. "I _know_ oceans. Trust me, no one's better qualified to check these oceans out than I am."

Kate held back a sigh and kept her face carefully neutral. "Elizabeth, what Laura is saying is that--"

Something flashed in Elizabeth's memory, and she blinked as she put one hand to her temple. "You _were_ skinny-dipping," she said distantly. "Why didn't I say something?"

"You were too busy howling at the moon," said Laura, grinning.

"No, I--" Elizabeth frowned. "Where did you come up with such an insane theory? _Why_ did you come up with it? And how in God's name could you possibly think I wasn't going to send you back to Earth after that?"

"Is something wrong?" asked Teyla. She and Ronon were standing in the doorway to Elizabeth's office, arms crossed, and nearly identical foreboding looks were aimed at Lieutenant Cadman and Kate.

Lieutenant Cadman glanced at her watch. "Five minutes," she told Kate, holding out her hand. "I so win. Pay up."

Kate sighed. "Most people won't make bets with me," she said, pulling a bar of chocolate out of her pocket and handing it over to Lieutenant Cadman.

Lieutenant Cadman smirked. "Most people are convinced that betting against the head shrink is a bad idea," she said, ripping off the wrapper and biting into it. She sank back into her chair with a moan. "They don't know you the way I do. It's not just a bad idea, it's possibly suicidal. But worth it. Godiva. Oh, God, Kate, do you know how long it's been since I've had the good stuff?"

"I had assumed there was a problem," said Teyla. She frowned at Kate. "I was not aware that you and Colonel--"

Lieutenant Cadman smirked. "For a while now," she said.

"Sheppard's going to be a pain in the ass if he doesn't get a chance to tell us himself," said Ronon.

"I am finding this entire situation perplexing," said Teyla, studying Lieutenant Cadman and Kate. "Why are you here, and what have you said to Elizabeth to upset her?"

"Your turn, Kate," said Lieutenant Cadman, smirking.

"You just aren't afraid of me, are you?" Kate asked.

"Why would anyone be afraid of you?" asked Elizabeth, sending a puzzled look at Teyla. "No offense, Kate, but you're the expedition's psychologist. That's not generally something to be afraid of."

Lieutenant Cadman looked at Kate expectantly. "Still your turn," she said.

Kate sighed. "Fine," she said. "Elizabeth, Teyla, Ronon, you're werewolves."

"What are werewolves?" asked Teyla. 

"This is going to take a _long_ time," said Lieutenant Cadman.

***

John was standing in the empty mess, leaning against the wall, arms crossed. Rodney was pacing next to him, a half-eaten Power Bar in his hand, while Radek glowered at them both. Rodney stopped and whirled on Laura and Kate as John straightened slowly.

"So you guys know what's up with Elizabeth?" asked John.

"Hey, guys," said Laura, wrinkling her nose. "Sir, are we on duty, or do I have permission to be a pain in the ass?"

"Oh, very funny, Cadman," said Rodney, giving her a withering glare. "You're always a pain in the ass. What's going on?"

"I try to tell them," said Radek. "Is none of their business. They do not listen."

"It's very much my business," snapped John. "If something's wrong with Elizabeth, as commanding officer of the military of this expedition, I need to know about it."

"Is nothing _wrong_ ," said Radek. "Just different."

"Could you be a little more cryptic, Radek?" asked Rodney. 

"Yes," snapped Radek. "You are very annoying, Rodney."

"Quiet, all of you," hissed Kate, drawing herself up.

"Well, well, well," said John. "Looks like her royal faerieness is getting pissy. Again."

"It is your funeral," snapped Radek.

Rodney took a very big step off to the side as Laura doubled over with laughter. 

"Not funny, Lieutenant," said John, seething.

"It really is your funeral, sir," gasped Laura. "Make fun of the sidhe all you want."

"Did everyone know about this but me?" asked Rodney, looking around. "Cadman, you're not a sidhe too, are you?"

"If you don't _mind_ ," snapped John. "We'll just call the first meeting of the International Council of Elves to goddamn order, and you guys can fill me in on what the _hell_ is going on with Elizabeth, Teyla, and Ronon."

Kate drew herself up, eyes blazing with fury, and Laura stopped laughing. "Oh, shit," she said.

A fish was flopping on the floor of the mess where John had been standing, fins waving helplessly as he gasped, unable to breathe. Kate gestured, and John was in her hand. She stalked over to the window and threw him down, into the ocean.

"God, Kate you are such a _bitch_ sometimes," snapped Laura. Her hands flew to her shirt, and she pulled it over her head. 

"What the hell just happened?" asked Rodney, gaping. "Cadman, when did you develop a nudity fetish?"

"Shut it, McKay," said Cadman. "Kate, you better be ready with the mother of all apologies once I find the Colonel." She tugged off her pants, only stopping halfway through to kick off her shoes and socks. "Did you have to pick one of the faster-swimming species?"

"You're interfering with _me_?" asked Kate.

"Oh, give it up," snapped Laura, unhooking her bra and stripping it off. "You owe me for this. You know you're going to cool off and regret it. Radek, fish bowl, north pier, please?"

Radek nodded. "Rodney, come on," he said.

Rodney was still gaping at Laura. "Oh, my God. Just when I didn't think this galaxy couldn't get any weirder. Is there Ancient technology that makes people from this galaxy want to strip?" 

Laura kicked her underwear at him. "Jeez, McKay, you forgetting we're not from this galaxy?"

Rodney caught the thin scrap of fabric, then let it drop, his cheeks flushed deep red. "Cadman, you're naked!"

"No shit, McKay," snapped Laura. She started for the balcony, then stopped short when he grabbed her arm. 

"You can't dive after him!" exclaimed McKay. "You'll kill yourself, hitting the water from this height."

"Screw physics," said Laura, twisting free. "Radek, tell him I can do this!" She ran to the window and squeezed through, then dove down to the ocean below, crying out gleefully. There was a distant splash below them.

"Lieutenant Cadman can do this, Rodney," said Radek. "Come. We must find fishbowl."

***

Elizabeth was standing out on the north pier, listening to the waves and searching her memory. She heard a scrape of a shoe on the floor and turned. "Radek? Why do you have a fishbowl?"

"Because Colonel Sheppard is now fish," said Radek. He sighed. "At least Rodney is not also animal this time."

"No, I think that's obvious, Radek," snapped Rodney. He was holding Lieutenant Cadman's clothing in a bundle clutched to his chest. "Considering that I'm _right here_."

Elizabeth felt a twinge in her skull. "How is it that this keeps happening to the senior members of this expedition?"

"No one is taught faerie tales any more," said Radek, shaking his head. "Youth these days. Is a shame."

"Radek, don't tell me you believe this too?" Elizabeth looked incredulous. "I know some strange things have been happening, but there has to be a scientific explanation. "Faeries and werewolves simply do _not_ exist."

"Do not let Dr. Heightmeyer hear you say that," said Radek. "She has bad temper."

"You know, Elizabeth, I don't know exactly what Dr. Heightmeyer and Cadman told you," said Rodney. "But I'm starting to believe that something like that is going on. Of course, there are rules of physics we haven't even begun to discover, so I suspect that's all we're really dealing with."

"Of course," said Radek, turning to Rodney. "Is physics rule for everything. We already have this discussion."

"Well, yes, of course we've already had this discussion, but we haven't _finished_ it yet, Radek, because your theories are idiotic and clearly ill-informed," snapped Rodney.

"Gentlemen!" Elizabeth had one hand out. "How does this help us find Colonel Sheppard? Since he's apparently a fish now."

"Sheppard's a fish?" Ronon and Teyla strolled onto the pier, and Ronon gave Elizabeth a questioning look. "This is turning into a disturbing trend."

"Can you three spend even five minutes apart these days?" Rodney rolled his eyes. 

Teyla's gaze darted around the pier as she breathed in the deep salt of the ocean. "This pier seems familiar," she said slowly. "But what are we doing here now?"

"Waiting for Lieutenant Cadman," said Radek. "She is searching for Colonel Sheppard."

"Atlantis' oceans are very dangerous places," said Teyla. "My people have barely begun to construct fishing vessels. Lieutenant Cadman could be putting herself at risk by swimming alone in this ocean."

"Lieutenant Cadman will be fine," said Radek. "She is best one to deal with Atlantis' oceans at any time."

"Someone say something about me?" asked Lieutenant Cadman. She was swimming up to the pier, her body undulating curiously, and in her hands, she held a large, silvery fish under the water. It twisted and turned, tail thrashing as it tried to get free. 

"Colonel!" Lieutenant Cadman snapped at the fish, which stilled and eyed her with a particularly suspicious-looking glare. Suspicious-looking for a fish, anyway. "You are going in that fishbowl, and if I ever see you get close to a fish like that again, you and I are going to have a serious talk about what happens when a boy fish and a girl fish have fish babies. Especially when one of them is a magic fish. Got it?"

"He didn't!" exclaimed Rodney, throwing up his hands. Lieutenant Cadman's clothing fell to the ground in a heap as he addressed the fish. "Is there _any_ situation you get in where you _don't_ have women hitting on you?" 

The fish just glared at Rodney. In fact, Elizabeth could swear it--he--was trying to roll his eyes.

"Any one where Kate's around," said Lieutenant Cadman. "Could you pick up my clothes, please, McKay?"

"You go swimming naked a lot?" asked Ronon, grinning at Lieutenant Cadman.

"You should know, wolf-boy," snapped Lieutenant Cadman. "Jeez, keep this up and the entire damn expedition is going to know I'm a mermaid."

"Lieutenant, would you please _stop_ with this fiction?" asked Elizabeth sharply. "As it is, I'm going to be forced to ask for a replacement for both yourself and Dr. Heightmeyer, and send you back to Earth in psychiatric care, and I don't particularly look forward to either chore."

"Radek, I don't suppose--" Lieutenant Cadman gestured with the fish, and Radek walked to the edge of the dock and crouched down. She reached up and dumped John-the-fish into the bowl with a soft plop, where he started swimming in circles, faster and faster. She grinned wryly at Radek. "Think they're ever going to believe me without evidence?" she asked.

Radek shook his head. "First you show them tail," he said. "Then maybe they remember being wolves." He shrugged. "Werewolves do not remember at first. You know this."

Elizabeth rubbed her temples. The frightening thing was that this was all starting to make sense to her. 

***

"So let me get this straight," said Elizabeth, taking a seat in the briefing room. "My psychologist is an immortal sidhe who has a habit of losing her temper and turning her boyfriends into animals, one of my most valued scientists is protective spirit of the home, and one of John's lieutenants is a mermaid. In the Marines, not the Navy."

"Could you imagine what would happen if I fell off a battleship in the middle of the ocean, ma'am?" asked Laura, grinning.

"Thank you, Lieutenant," said Elizabeth. "But we're not going to discuss that at this moment."

John glowered at the room impartially.

"Not to mention that werewolves apparently exist on both Earth and in the Pegasus galaxy," said Rodney. He was leaning back in his seat, fidgeting with a pen and marking down notes. "And you, Ronon, and Teyla were attacked by one and are now werewolves yourselves."

"It's all a little difficult to believe," admitted Elizabeth.

"I could prove it," said Kate. "You're allergic to silver. It'll burn your skin the way cold iron does mine."

"After seeing Lieutenant Cadman with a fish tail, I'm willing to believe nearly anything about this whole situation," said Elizabeth. "Besides, no one here has any silver bullets."

"I have a silver knife or two," offered Kate.

"Or two?" asked Laura. She snorted. "Try five or six. I tossed your room last night. God, the sidhe are so nutty about their silver blades."

"Says the girl who goes skinny-dipping on a nightly basis!" snapped Rodney.

"Enough!" shouted John. 

Kate sighed and lifted one hand. 

"Please do not gesture," said Radek wearily. He was slumped against the briefing room table, his cheek propped wearily against his fist. "To have Colonel Sheppard be another animal is too tiring."

"Besides, we have another problem, aside from all our recent supposedly supernatural woes," said Rodney. "Lorne's team radioed in. They captured a Wraith, and Carson's getting prepped to try out the retrovirus once you give the go-ahead, Elizabeth."

"Um, I know this isn't a huge deal, but can we keep the whole--" Laura gestured at her legs. "I don't want to freak him out."

"Uh, yes, about that," said Rodney. "It's a little late."

"McKay!"

***

"You mean to tell me you're a bloody mermaid?" asked Carson. "You're not even human, and you didn't tell me?"

Laura was tracing a circular path around Carson's quarters. "What do you mean, not even human?" she asked. "I'm half human! My father was a mortal man."

"And your mother was a mermaid," said Carson. "Laura, I don't understand how this is even possible. If you'd just let me run a genetic analysis--"

"No!" Laura whirled toward him, arms flung up in the air. "Carson, you're not going to study my DNA!"

"How is it--I mean, do you--" He grimaced.

"Half fish means half fish, Carson," said Laura. "That means the lower half is anatomically accurate, yes! You want to hear all the details before you start tossing your cookies in disgust?"

"I'm not--" Carson swallowed. "The stories of drowning sailors--how they spend their dying moments--"

"Carson!" Laura stalked to the door. "I should've known this wasn't going to work out. God, you can't decide if you'd rather freak out or use me as a lab specimen!"

***

"What?" Kate glared at Laura from the door of her quarters.

"Your boyfriend nearly got it on with a fish because of the spell you cast on him," said Laura. "My boyfriend is freaking out at the thought of getting it on with someone who spends part of her time as half a fish." She held up a bottle of vodka. "Want to get drunk and bitch about the unfaithfulness of mortal men together?"

***

"It's not a full moon tonight," said Ronon. He sat on the floor of Elizabeth's quarters, leaning back, with one knee bent and the other leg stretched out straight in front of him.

"From what we have learned from Dr. Heightmeyer, the moon need not be full," said Teyla, laying on the bed, her head resting against Elizabeth's thigh. "Strong emotion is often enough."

Elizabeth laughed shortly. "We don't exactly have a shortage of that in this city." Her fingers combed through Teyla's hair, smoothing them gently back. "I'm starting to remember. Some things, at least."

"Running through the city?" Teyla's eyes closed and she smiled softly. "I was chasing you and Ronon. I had thought, at first, that it was a dream, but it seems it was not."

"It'd explain a lot," said Ronon. "Being faster. Stronger. Elizabeth's stronger." His gaze flickered across her body. "No one looking at you would think it, though."

Teyla's smile gained a vicious edge as she opened her eyes and looked between Ronon and Elizabeth. "It is a hidden weapon."

"We'll use whatever we have to protect Atlantis," said Elizabeth. "We won't be telling this to the IOA, or Stairgate Command. Do you both understand?"

"Don't worry," said Ronon. "I don't give a damn about what the people on Earth think. I give a damn about the people on Atlantis."

"I am in agreement with Ronon," said Teyla. Her gaze was drawn to the moon outside Elizabeth's window, and she stared at it silently.

"I can feel the moon calling us," said Elizabeth, the moonlight washing over her face. 

"Doesn't even feel wrong to me," said Ronon. He sat up, leaning toward Elizabeth's bed. "How about you guys?"

Elizabeth tugged the zipper of her red shirt down slowly. "Nothing feels wrong about this," she breathed, "and none of it scares me the way it should."

***

"So, Lieutenant, you and Carson kiss and make up yet?" asked Colonel Sheppard.

"Not a chance, sir," said Laura, stabbing at a piece of limp spinach. "You make up with Kate yet?"

"Aren't you pushing the personal questions a bit, Lieutenant?" Colonel Sheppard sat down across the table from her. "Anything good to eat today?"

"Nothing, sir," said Laura, nudging a particularly tough piece of steak with her fork. "I can shut up with the questions if you can, _sir_."

Colonel Sheppard grinned. "Right, Lieutenant," he said. "No more questions. So did you see Atlantis' wildlife contingent last night?"

"I thought you said no more questions," said Laura. 

"I lied," said Colonel Sheppard. "So what'd you see last night?"

"Drunk sidhe," said Laura. "I spent a very quiet night indoors with your girlfriend, where we got drunk and bitched about men, sir. Believe me when I say you _don't_ want details."

Colonel Sheppard shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah, why don't you keep those to yourself?"

***

"You going to apologize to him yet, Kate?" asked Laura, walking into Kate's office and standing in front of the closed door.

"You heard what he said." Kate's eyes were flinty.

"Yeah, so?" Laura shrugged. "Not every day a guy finds out his girlfriend's near-immortal and magical. Least yours is still sticking around despite the fact that you've turned him into an animal twice now."

"Carson's still--" started Kate.

"Carson's not sure whether he's more upset I didn't tell him, freaked out at the thought that daddy dearest was a dying sailor, freaking at the idea I'm half fish, or cranky because I won't let him run a bunch of tests on me." Laura exhaled in a large huff as she walked across the room and sat down in one of Kate's chairs. 

"Carson's a very understanding man, Laura," said Kate. "I'm sure that he'll be over the shock soon and realize what he's done."

"Would you please can the therapy crap, Kate?" asked Laura. She pulled one leg up to her chest and wrapped her arms around it. "It'd be nice if he would, but I'm not going to count on it. He's a nice enough guy, but--I don't think it's going to work out."

Kate sighed. "Want me to turn him into a fish for you?"

Laura waved one hand in the air. "Nah. I'm pretty much against that. So what's up with you, anyway? You've got a full dose of sidhe arrogance--and don't get mad, I'm not wrong--but you don't have the complete disregard for mortals that the rest of them do."

"It's a long story," said Kate.

"Hello!" Laura crossed her arms and gave Kate a level look. "I've got no worries of dying of old age. You?"

***

First thing in the morning, Rodney rang at Elizabeth's door.

No answer.

"Elizabeth?" Rodney rang the door chime again. "It's Rodney. Are you in there?"

Still no answer. Rodney sighed, rolled his eyes, and keyed in the override code he'd hacked for Elizabeth's door when they'd first come to Atlantis. The door slid open, and he saw Elizabeth, Ronon, and Teyla's bodies tangled together. Naked. When did 'werewolf' manage to equal 'naked threesome?' They moaned, slid against each other, and Rodney gulped, closed the door, and turned around, only to run into Cadman. "God, could you be _any_ clumsier?" he snapped.

"Jeez, McKay!" Cadman backed up, arms up. "Chill, will you?"

"What are you doing here?" asked Rodney. "This isn't your usual haunt."

"Morning jog," said Cadman, smiling tightly. 

"Shouldn't you take a morning swim?" asked Rodney, his eyes narrowed. 

"I do that at night, nitwit," said Cadman. She tilted her head and gave him the 'you're an idiot, McKay' look, which was completely ridiculous, given that he was a _genius_. "Remember? I took your body for a run when we were stuck sharing." She shuddered. "I suppose it's a good thing it was your body, or this whole mermaid thing would've been found out ages ago."

"Oh, very funny, Cadman," said Rodney, even more irritated. "Do you have to remind me of that? Look, since you're a mermaid, can you get me free Starbucks?"

Cadman's look read somewhere between 'what the hell' and 'you have _got_ to be kidding me.'

"Look, there's a mermaid on the Starbucks logo," snapped Rodney. "And given the difficulty we have at getting coffee out here, I'll take Starbucks over nothing if I have an inside source. Besides, Zelenka says it gives him headaches, and I'm feeling petty."

Cadman stared at him flatly. "First off, McKay," she snapped. "That's a siren on the logo. Little different there, or did you totally miss out on the Odyssey in your rampant ignorance of everything not having to do with astrophysics?"

"I resent that!" Rodney gaped at her. "I'll have you know I'm a very accomplished pianist!"

"Ooh, you're musical too," said Cadman. "Big whoop-de-do."

The door opened and Elizabeth stood there, arms crossed and looking furious. "Could you two _please_ take your argument elsewhere?" she asked. "It's a little distracting."

Rodney whirled around. "Elizabeth!" he stammered. "Uh, Carson--" He gestured vaguely in the direction of the infirmary. "Test! We're starting soon. If you're ready? And, uh--" He tried to resist the urge to glance around Elizabeth at Teyla and Ronon. "Sheppard said to get Teyla and Ronon too."

Cadman snickered behind him, and Rodney's head snapped around. He narrowed his eyes and hissed at her. "Will you shut it?"

Cadman took her hand off her mouth and shook her head, lips pressed tightly together and eyes sparkling with laughter. Damn her.

"We'll be there shortly," said Elizabeth. "Can you two go and bother Carson for a while, please?"

The door closed quickly, but not too fast for Rodney to hear Teyla and Ronon laughing. "Well?" he asked Cadman. "Come on, your boyfriend will be glad to see you."

"He's not my boyfriend anymore," said Cadman, turning and stalking off in the opposite direction of the infirmary.

***

"Elizabeth's on her way," said Rodney. Kate was already in the infirmary, studying the diagnostic equipment intently. Sheppard was standing on the other side of the infirmary, apparently engrossed in the ceiling. While the Ancients had certainly believed that everything should be beautiful _and_ practical, there was really no need to study the ceiling in all that much intensity. "Will all of you people just kiss and make up already? The tension is worse than the overly romantic mush."

Three identical glares shot in Rodney's direction, and he smirked. "I see we've all woken up on the right side of bed this morning."

Kate lifted her hand.

Rodney backed up, glaring at her. "Hey, you promised you weren't going to do that anymore!"

Kate frowned. "You're right, I did," she said. "What makes you so sure I was going to turn you into an animal?"

"Prior experience," said Rodney smugly.

"Keep this up, McKay, and _I'll_ find a way to turn you into an animal," drawled Sheppard. 

"Can we please not talk about this anymore?" Carson looked almost pained.

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Look, Carson, you're the one who can't handle the fact that your girlfriend, in addition to her many _other_ annoying traits, spends a great deal of time swimming circles around everyone else here. Also, she can talk to fish, which makes her Aquaman."

Sheppard snorted, while Kate made some kind of annoyed huffing sound. "I don't think Carson's the only one who needs to get over his issues," said Sheppard.

"If you start asking for therapy outside my office hours," said Kate. "I'm going to start charging."

"You're the one who said you did couples therapy," said Rodney. "Practice what you preach, all right?"

Elizabeth walked in, looking perfectly composed and not like Rodney had accidentally caught her in the middle of a threesome just half an hour ago. "Are we ready?" she asked, Ronon and Teyla half a step behind her.

Carson nodded.

"Good." Elizabeth nodded once, then turned to the isolation room. "Let's get started, then."

***

"Wait up." John jogged after Kate, catching her elbow as she rounded the corner. 

Kate stopped and glared at him, her green eyes flinty. "What?" She looked pointedly at her arm.

"We need to talk," said John, not letting go.

"What makes you think I want to talk to you?" asked Kate.

"Because you're in love with me," said John. "And I'm in love with you, and I'm tired of not talking, and also, you're being absolutely ridiculous."

Katie Brown hurried through the hallway, not looking at them. 

"Of course, we could do this a little more privately," added John quickly.

"Let's go someplace private," said Kate. She shook her elbow loose, then slid her hand down John's arm, lacing their fingers together. "Close your eyes."

John gave her a curious look, then shook his head. "Where are we going?"

"Trust me," said Kate.

"As long as it doesn't involve turning me into an animal, I'll trust you with anything," said John. "You _know_ that."

"Then close your eyes, John, and _trust me_ ," said Kate.

John took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and tightened his grip on Kate's hand. She tugged gently, and they took one step forward, then another, then one more.

"We're there," said Kate, as John felt the warmth of sunlight on his face.

"I didn't hear a door." John opened his eyes and frowned. "This isn't Atlantis."

They were in a forest clearing. Tall, leafy green trees surrounded the clearing, ad cast cool shadows around the patch of sunlight they stood in. The woods were absolutely silent except for the rustle of leaves in the wind.

"We're in Underhill," said Kate. She glanced up at the sky, her pale skin glowing in the sunlight.

"Is it me, are your eyes greener?" asked John, peering at Kate. "What's Underhill. And _where_ is it?"

"We're still in Atlantis," said Kate. "Underhill is a pocket dimension here. It's small, but I've been working on it for nearly two years now."

"You _made_ this?" John glanced around. "Seriously, Kate, you've got to think about getting into the time share business. You could make a killing."

"On Earth, all of the sidhe can come and go in Underhill as they please." Kate hadn't let go of his hand, and John left his hand where it was, Kate's fingers wrapped loosely around his. "Seelie and Unseelie Courts."

"Courts?" asked John. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't this the twenty-first century?"

Kate nodded. "It is," she said. "But do you want to be the one to tell a bunch of immortal, all-powerful Fair Folk that?"

"I take it that wouldn't go over well?" John's voice was dry.

"Like a ton of bricks," said Kate. "Look, John--"

"This is where we do the talking thing, isn't it?" asked John, grimacing.

Kate nodded. "I don't think you can get out of it this time."

"Fine. Can we start out with the fact that you turned me into a fish?" asked John. "Seriously, Kate, this has got to stop. What if you turn me into a pig or something right before the Wraith attack?"

"I don't turn men into pigs," said Kate. "That would be Circe. We're not even related."

"You know what I mean," said John. "You're compromising the safety of the expedition."

"I already promised I wouldn't do that anymore," said Kate.

"I know" John exhaled in a huff. "And, all right, I appreciate that, but I don't even get why you're here on Atlantis. So you've got a lousy family. So what? Why didn't you go back after the discovery of, I don't know, the life-sucking aliens?"

"Are you really asking why I stayed on Atlantis?" Kate studied him, and when John met her eyes, he could swear he saw something moving in the depths of her gaze. "Or are you asking why I choose to stay with you?"

John shifted and looked away. "It _might_ be the latter," he said. "If I was the kind of guy to ask questions like that, which I'm not."

"Of course not," Kate murmured. John could swear he saw a hint of a smile.

"Kate--" he started, until she pressed her fingertips to his mouth. 

"You're a warrior," said Kate softly. "You fight to defend our home. You'd do _anything_ to defend Atlantis. You're a strategist as well, not just a warrior, and you enjoy life." She'd moved closer to John, or he'd moved closer to her. He could feel Kate's breath, soft and warm against his skin. "The courts are bored. It's hard to find something new to do for fun after a couple hundred years or so."

"That's an--" John swallowed. "An awfully big compliment to give a guy."

"It's true, though," said Kate softly. "Even if I'm petty and vindictive when I lose my temper."

"So you don't stop loving me, you just get mad enough to turn me into a small, easily squishable animal?" asked John wryly.

Kate nodded. "I'm sorry," she said. "It's wrong of me to fall back on habits I gave up a long time ago."

"It _might_ help if I stopped making comments on it," said John.

"It would," agreed Kate.

"Can we skip the rest of the talking and go right to having make-up sex?" asked John.

"I didn't even bring a blanket," said Kate, laughing as she wrapped her arms around John.

"Well," said John slowly, slipping one hand underneath Kate's shirt. "First off, can't you just magic the grass stains away or something? And second, I plan on getting you naked before we even get to the ground, so we don't need to worry about grass stains."

"At least not on the clothes," said Kate. She moved closer, her mouth open against John's, pulling him to her and devouring his mouth.

"Right," said John. He pushed Kate's shirt up, palming her breasts through the thin fabric of her bra. "No clothes. Let's get naked."

Kate laughed and took a step back, pulling her shirt off. "I know what you're trying to do," she told him. She reached back to unsnap her bra.

John's eyes widened as she dropped the bra to the ground and slid her pants down her hips. "Busted," he said, his arms stretching over his head as he pulled off his black t-shirt. "But you've got to admit, I'm _really_ good at it."

"That's part of why I let you get away with it," said Kate, straightening. "Ready?"

He paused and gulped. "Right," he said. His shoes flew off into the trees as he kicked them off his feet. "I need a minute here."

"Take your time," said Kate, grinning. 

"Not too much time," said John. His pants came off quickly, dropped off to the side, and his boxers fell on top of them in a heartbeat. Then Kate was on him, pressed against him, and they were on the ground. She was on top of him, and-- "Magic grass is really soft."

Kate laughed, bending down on top of him with her palms braced against his chest. "Everything here is supposed to be perfect, John," she murmured. "It's a refuge."

"You're my refuge," murmured John, pulling her down to him. "Not this place." 

"I love you too," whispered Kate, sliding against John's cock, and he gasped, pushing against her. 

She slid her hand down, nails dragging along his side, until she wrapped her hand around his cock, twisting her palm against the skin, sliding along the head, and John let out a groan. 

"Kate, you're going to drive me--" 

"It's my job to make sure you _don't_ go crazy, John," said Kate, laughing. She let go, and he held her hips, steadying her as he slid up, inside of her. 

Kate's gasp echoed in the clearing, and she leaned down, her breasts pressed to his chest, and John moved slowly, hands resting on her hips. She moaned softly as his mouth closed over her nipple, and John's hands tightened. "Move," she whispered, and John thrust deeper into her with a groan. They slid together, John moving inside of Kate. She pressed her mouth to his, her tongue tracing his lips as she shuddered against him. "Right there. God, John--"

"Right there," said John, moving faster, holding Kate tightly with one arm. "Got it." He slid his hand between them, his fingertips moving against her clit as he broke, jerking against her when he came. Kate sighed, a soft shiver passing through her as she moved against John, her head flung back and her eyes fluttering closed.

"You come?" John asked, staring up at Kate.

She nodded, opening her eyes and shaking her head up slightly. "It was just quiet this time," said Kate, leaning against John's body.

"So we're not moving for a while, right?" asked John, his arm tightening around Kate's waist.

"Right," said Kate.

"Good." John paused. "Hey, Kate, next time you get mad at me, can we just skip the animal transformations and the fighting and just go right for the make-up sex?"

***

"None of them are back yet," said Elizabeth. She paced the length of her quarters, her hands clasped tightly together in front of her. "What's taking them so long?"

"We don't know yet, Elizabeth," said Kate, her voice soothing. "It's the first time Ronon and Teyla have been off world since this has happened."

"We did kind of warn you, Dr. Weir," said Laura. "This is going to happen until you guys are used to spending time apart. Wolves usually mate in pairs, but you three are pretty unusual."

"Mate?" Elizabeth whirled around to face Laura and shook her head. "I don't know what you mean."

"Laura!" hissed Kate. She reached out and smacked Laura lightly on the arm. "She didn't know!"

"Oops." Laura flushed a deep red.

"Why don't you two tell me what you're talking about," said Elizabeth firmly.

"You should ask Kate," said Laura promptly. "She's the one who's good at this sort of thing."

"Oh, thanks," said Kate dryly. She leaned forward in her chair, forearms resting on her knees, and clasped her hands together. "Elizabeth, wolves choose mates. Werewolves are no different, though in this case, you've chosen two mates."

"Werewolf?" asked Elizabeth. "Two mates?" She closed her eyes, briefly resting her forehead on one hand, then looked back up at Kate and Laura. "You know, when I signed on to head this expedition, I thought I knew what all the risks would be. This is something I certainly never expected."

***

"So what's up, Doc?" asked Lorne, sitting on a bed in the infirmary.

"Your tests are giving some anomalous results, Major," said Carson, frowning down at his clipboard. "I'm afraid I don't know what to make of them."

"What, is it the anemia issue?" asked Lorne. "You knew about that when I showed up here. It's in my records."

"Your blood pressure is abnormally low," said Carson. "I'm afraid that we're going to have to keep you in here for observation."

"My blood pressure's always that low," said Lorne. 

John frowned at them both from the doorway. "Something wrong, Major?" he asked.

"Nothing a little caffeine and some French fries wouldn't cure," said Lorne, nodding once at John. "Having a good day, Colonel?"

"Oh, just peachy," said John. "Except that my second in command seems about to get himself confined to the infirmary."

"I overdid it with the partying last night," said Lorne. He shrugged, one shoulder coming up and then dropping abruptly. "Forgot today was my physical."

"Drank too much, did you?" asked John, crossing his arms. He was trying to decide if Lorne deserved a glare, or if he'd just blow it off.

"Of course not, sir," said Lorne. He nodded, somehow managing to look completely innocent, and John damn well knew better then to believe _that_. "There's no alcohol on Atlantis."

John snorted. "Right," he said, drawing the word out. "So get your ass out of here, rest up, and have Beckett check you out again tomorrow, before you go back on active duty."

"That sounds like an acceptable compromise," said Carson, fixing Lorne with a look that John knew from experience. It said 'don't screw this chance up and I might let you back on duty.'

Lorne grimaced. "Right," he said, unconsciously echoing John. "Rest up." He hopped off the bed.

"It's not like Beckett wasn't going to do exactly that anyway," said John. He waved at the door. "Dismissed, Major." Lorne left, and John gave Carson a questioning look.

"It seems to be the best option, given that it's just a minor bout of anemia." He shrugged. "We'll see tomorrow if it's helped."

John's mouth twisted. "A minor bout of anemia?" he asked. "Seen a lot of vampire movies, Carson?"

"Never seen any of them," said Carson. "I'm not particularly a fan of the genre. Why do you ask?"

"Given everything that's happened lately, you should start," said John slowly. He met Carson's eyes. "It ever occur to you that anemia's a common symptom of vampire victims?"

"Oh, bloody _hell_ ," said Carson.

***

"For the last time, Cadman, I feel fine!" snapped Lorne. 

"You sure?" asked Laura. She smirked at Lorne. He'd been jogging through the hallways on Atlantis, glowering and looking like he wanted to be left alone. Laura had been jogging too, and decided she wanted to take her irritation with Carson out on someone, and Lorne was the nearest target. "Because I heard the nurses talking, and apparently you were partying too hard and developed _anemia_. They were a little confused, and got to say? Not surprised. Partying and anemia don't normally go together."

"I drank too much," said Lorne, glaring. "Booze dehydrates you. When I get dehydrated, I get anemia. It's all in my medical files."

"Oh," said Laura knowingly. "I get it."

"You get what? Will you can it?" asked Lorne. He stopped and leaned forward, resting his hands on his knees and taking deep, even breaths. "I'm starting to get why McKay hates you so much."

"McKay doesn't hate me," said Laura. She was still smirking as she slowed down and started pacing the halls. "He just can't figure me out, and that bugs him."

"Yeah, speaking of not figuring you out, Cadman," said Lorne, twisting his neck so he could look at her. "What's with the rumors that have been going around lately?"

Laura stopped moving. "What rumors?" she asked.

"Oh, you know, that you got too kinky for Dr. Beckett," said Lorne. "Or that you did a strip tease in the mess."

"I did not--" Laura clenched her fists. "Ooh, McKay-- I am going to _get him_ for this!"

"You mean you really did strip in the middle of the mess?" Lorne straightened abruptly and eyed Laura. "Want to give a repeat performance?"

"God, Lorne, will you just _bite me_ already?" snapped Laura.

His expression didn't change, but the look in Lorne's eyes hardened. "You have something to say, Cadman?" he asked.

She slowly looked Lorne up and down, then met his eyes again. "Not a damn thing, sir," said Laura. "Except it's funny, but I didn't see you at the party last night. So I'm wondering where you got to drinking. Or maybe you're just a little thirsty?" She waggled her fingers at him, and took off jogging again, while Lorne stared.

***

"You're telling me that we may have a vampire on Atlantis?" Elizabeth gave John a considering look. "Do you have _any_ evidence of this whatsoever?"

"None," said John. "Except that Major Lorne is suddenly a little anemic and there's no reason for it."

"That _does_ seem odd," agreed Elizabeth. She clasped her hands together and rested her chin on them. "What does Carson say?"

"Carson says he'll check him over again tomorrow," said John.

"And why did you leap to the conclusion that it was a vampire problem?" asked Elizabeth.

"Because it seems like we're suddenly living in a horror movie," said John. "I mean, come on, Elizabeth, you're a werewolf, Kate's a faerie, Cadman's a mermaid, and Zelenka's some kind of faerie too--"

"A domovoi," said Elizabeth.

"How'd you figure that one out?" asked John, frowning.

"I asked him," said Elizabeth. "He was rather forthcoming."

"Oh, go and take all the fun out of it, why don't you?" complained John.

***

Laura was toweling off her hair, getting ready for bed, when she heard the door to her quarters hiss open. She straightened, pulling the towel off her hair, and stared flatly at Lorne. "You always let yourself into a girl's room at night, Major?" she asked.

"You're naked," Lorne pointed out.

"That's because I sleep naked," said Laura. "I was just about to go to bed."

"I thought you were already asleep," said Lorne. "It's after midnight. You're on duty early tomorrow."

"I went for a late night swim," snapped Laura. "Jeez, would you get _out_ of here?"

"Do you have _any_ modesty?" asked Lorne. He looked like he was trying to keep eye contact only, but his gaze kept straying downward and snapping back up in a way that really amused Laura.

"No," said Laura. "Clothing is overrated. I spend my vacations back on Earth at nudist beach resorts.

Lorne gaped. "Seriously? Cadman, anyone ever mention you're kind of a freak?"

Her face set. "Only Carson, recently," she snapped.

"Right," said Lorne. He turned to go. "I'm out of here."

"Before you tell me why you broke into my room when you thought I'd be asleep?" asked Laura.

Lorne stopped, turned back to her. "Yeah," he said. "Before I tell you that, and before you tell me why you're still up." He paused. "Could you put a shirt on or something?"

Laura rolled her eyes. "Fine," she said, reaching for a shirt and slipping it over her head. "Vampires. You're all such prudes."

"Wait, what?" Lorne took three long steps forward and grabbed her arm. "How did you know?"

"Let _go_ ," said Cadman. "Before I start assaulting a superior officer who was clearly asking for it."

"How did you know?" hissed Lorne, leaning closer to her. 

Laura shifted her weight, grabbed Lorne's arm, and leaned her hip into him, then hauled him up and over, throwing him onto the floor. Before he landed, she'd backed up, ready to deal with him if he rushed her. 

He rolled up and snarled, canines elongated into fangs. "No one's supposed to know," he said.

Laura snickered. "Yeah, but you haven't had a chance to snack easily with security up," she said. "And now you're mad, and hungry, and I'm _right_ here. What made you pick on me for tonight's midnight snack?"

"I thought it'd be easy to make you forget," said Lorne. "Guess I was wrong."

"Nice teeth," said Laura. "You looking to use them on me?"

Lorne's eyes narrowed. "Where did you find out about vampires?"

"Please don't tell me that you're another one of those vampires that thinks _nothing_ else is out there." Laura tossed her hair back. "If you were that hungry, Lorne, all you had to do was ask."

Lorne rushed her. Laura dodged to the side, but Lorne reached one arm out, wrapped it around her waist, and slammed her back against the wall. 

"You like it rough?" Laura stared up at him, her lips slightly parted. "You know, I'm wondering why you didn't ask where I took a midnight swim. Atlantis doesn't have a swimming pool."

"I don't care about that," growled Lorne, his voice low and dark as he leaned in toward her.

"You should." Laura lashed out, her elbow cracking into Lorne's nose. Blood trickled down his face, and Laura followed up with her fist, slamming it into his cheek. She winced at the impact on her knuckles as she tossed herself to the side, trying to get through the opening created when Lorne had staggered back.

"What now?" asked Lorne. The back of his hand was bloody from where he'd swiped it across his face. "You just want to beat each other up?"

"I'm tired, I'm in a lousy mood, and you're being a pain in the ass," said Laura. "Don't even _think_ of telling me not to talk to a superior officer like that, because I think we're a little past that right now."

"I'm not generally in the habit of asking nearly naked women to call me sir when we're in the middle of beating each other up," said Lorne. He straightened, still glaring. "So now that we've got that clear, fine, Cadman. You know about vampires. What the hell are you?"

"Mermaid," said Laura. "So I get along pretty well with an ocean city."

"Oh, great," said Lorne, grimacing. "I don't eat sushi."

"Don't be such a dick about it," said Laura. She eyed Lorne's chest. "You can stop pretending to breathe now. How'd you fool the city's life sign sensors?"

"Ancient technology picks up on me anyway," said Lorne. His chest slowed and stilled as he stopped taking regular breaths. "I guess the fact that I'm walking and talking trumps the fact that I'm dead."

"Great." Laura rolled her eyes. "At least you're not a pretentious gothic wanna-be. I'm so tired of vampires who're into that."

"What can I say?" asked Lorne. "The military's much more fun."

"Got that right," said Laura. She smirked. "Flyboy."

"Jarhead." Lorne crossed his arms and stared at her. "So does Beckett know about you being part fish?"

"Carson and I aren't seeing each other anymore," said Laura. "Which you damn well know, because I saw you talking to Stackhouse, who was talking to Parrish, who I know gossips with Katie Brown like the drama queens they both are. And I told Katie Brown when I was still nursing my hangover from commiserating with Heightmeyer."

Lorne rolled his eyes. "Screw Parrish and his melodrama," he said.

Laura studied Lorne. "You sleep with him, or just drink his blood?" she asked.

Lorne's frown spoke volumes. "Do we have to talk about it?"

"You slept with him!" Laura snickered. "Katie said he moped for two months straight, and she couldn't figure out why."

"He kept bringing me flowers," said Lorne.

"Yeah, that's what a real asshole's going to do." Laura knew her voice was scathing, but what was a girl supposed to do when she was still smarting from a breakup? "He had no clue you were using him for a snack, did he? Did you at least let him down easy?"

"Oh, like you can talk?" Lorne closed the gap between them, standing over her with his arms crossed. "What were you using Beckett for? So everyone would think you were normal?"

"No, everyone already thinks that," said Laura. She eyed Lorne. He held perfectly still, but Laura swallowed as she stared up at him. He was very close. She smirked anyway. "That supposed to be intimidating?"

"Don't push it, Cadman," said Lorne. He leaned in, his eyes dark and inviting, his mouth close to hers. "I am about _this_ close to taking you up on that offer you made. I'm hungry, my face hurts, and you're standing right in front of me with barely anything on."

"So you can fuck me while you're having dinner," said Laura. She grabbed Lorne's shirt and yanked him close to her. "Mermaid, remember? If my body can handle going down to the ocean floor, what makes you think I'm going to have a problem with a measly little vampire feeding?"

Lorne grinned, baring his fangs. "If you insist," he said, pushing her back. 

Laura's head made a loud thunk as she collided with the wall. "Don't hold back," she breathed, pulling him to her for a kiss. They came together roughly, mouths open and clashing. She felt a sharp flare of pain as one of Lorne's fangs sliced into her lip. Lorne groaned, his tongue tracing along the cut and lapping at the welling blood. 

Then Laura's breasts pressed against Lorne's chest as his hand slipped under her shirt, his fingers moving against her hip and ghosting past her thighs, to slide through her soft folds. A soft moan slipped from her mouth as she tilted her hips, pushing up against his fingers. "You want the wall or the bed?" asked Lorne, his voice husky. 

His fingers danced along the edge of her labia, tracing along her skin, and Laura stopped moving, her hands frozen at the waistband of Lorne's pants. "We're right here already," snapped Laura. She ripped open the button of his pants and shoved the zipper down, then reached in, wrapping her hand around his cock and stroking the length of her palm against it. 

Lorne hissed as he shoved two fingers roughly inside Laura, and when she arched against him, hips pushing against his hand, he bent his mouth to her neck, growling as her hand tightened around him. She moved faster, stroking him, and Lorne kissed the skin of her neck, until she snapped at him. "Jesus, Lorne, you want a written invitation?"

He rolled his eyes and bit into the skin of Laura's throat, and she moaned loudly, her free hand fisting in his shirt as they moved together, his lips soft at her neck, blood against his teeth, flowing down his throat as he drank. Lorne had one hand on Laura's breast, and the other hand he had sliding between her thighs, his palm pressing against her clit and her hand twisting and stroking his cock, her thumb swirling around the head until he was coming, screaming his release against her throat as Laura tightened around his fingers, bucking wildly and yelling his name until he let go slowly, his hand moving to rest on her hip.

"Bed now?" asked Lorne, grinning at her. He licked his lips, stained red with blood.

"Sounds like a plan," said Laura, shoving weakly at him.

***

The insistent chiming of her door finally sank through Laura's sleep-fogged brain, and she sat up with a groan, pushing her hair back and glaring at the door. 

"Better get that," said Lorne, leaning back on his elbows and staring blearily up at her. "Whoever it is isn't going away." She shifted, trying to get comfortable, and accidentally kneed Lorne's side. He glared at her. She smiled, half-apologetically. These beds were too damn small for two people. Stupid Ancients. If she was going to be doing this at all regularly, she was going to have to find a bigger bed. Or make one.

"No shit, Lorne," said Laura, leaning down to press an open-mouthed kiss to him. "Ugh, vampire morning breath." She slipped out of bed and grabbed her shirt, pulling it over her head as she walked to the door. Lorne flopped back, covering his face with a pillow, and groaned.

"What?" snapped Laura, her door sliding open halfway. 

Kate drew back slightly. "You're not a morning person, are you?"

"Mostly I am," said Laura. "But I had a long night. I'm feeling kind of under the weather."

"I noticed," said Kate, nodding at Laura's neck. "That's going to be tough to cover up."

"Make-up," said Laura. She frowned at Kate. "What are you here for? It's earlier than you're usually awake."

"I woke up sick to my stomach," said Kate. She had one palm lying flat over her abdomen as she spoke.

Laura peered at Kate, then shrugged. "Okay, so you're sick. Why don't you hit the infirmary?"

"Laura, I'm pregnant," whispered Kate.

Laura's eyes widened. "You're _what_ "? How'd that happen?"

"The usual way, I'd imagine," said Lorne, scrubbing one hand through his hair. He wrapped one arm around Laura's waist, and had nothing on but a pair of sweatpants. "Hey, Dr. Heightmeyer. _Please_ don't tell me our CO knocked you up, because we're going to catch ten different kinds of hell until he's done freaking out about it."

"Oh, boy," said Laura, glancing between Lorne and Kate. "Okay, Lorne, normally I hate to kick a guy out so fast on the morning after, but this is serious girl stuff here."

"Yeah, yeah, I got it," said Lorne. "You want to hook up later?"

"Yes, and also we'll hide out from Colonel Sheppard together," said Laura.

"Sounds like a plan," said Lorne. He eyed Kate. "You going to be okay?"

"I'll be fine," she said. 

"Oh, Lorne, for God's sake," said Laura. "For once, she needs to be the one doing the talking. Not to a guy. Will you get out of here and let me feed the woman chocolate for breakfast?"

"No food, please," said Kate, looking faintly nauseated.

"Or possibly ginger ale," said Laura. "Or something. We'll, uh-- I am _not_ good at this."

"Me either," said Kate and Lorne. They looked at each other warily. 

***

Elizabeth was alone in her quarters, sitting quietly and writing up her latest reports for the IOA, when her door opened. Ronon walked in, dragging a large mattress behind him. Teyla followed him, holding the other end of the mattress up with one hand.

"Excuse me?" Elizabeth's eyebrow arched up at the sight.

"We're moving in," said Ronon. He smirked at her.

"What?" Elizabeth set her laptop down and stared at them. "Why?"

"These beds are too small for three people," said Ronon.

"We do not know what this change will mean for all of us," said Teyla, stepping away from the mattress and giving Ronon a stern look. "We are all--" She paused. "We are more at ease when we are together, and we wake up in the same room in the morning, even on nights we mean to spend apart."

"I see." Elizabeth set her computer down gently and stood. "You couldn't, I don't know, ask me first?"

"It was easier not to," said Teyla.

" _Much_ easier," said Ronon. "Knew you were going to be a pain about it."

"I'm the leader of this expedition!" exclaimed Elizabeth. "I can't just--"

"You can," said Teyla. She walked up to Elizabeth and took one of Elizabeth's hands between hers. "Though you are the leader of this expedition, you are still permitted to enjoy life, and to share it with others."

Ronon was leaning against the mattress. "So, what do you say?" he asked.

Elizabeth studied him, and then met Teyla's calm, reassuring gaze. "Fine," she said. "But don't be surprised if I sulk about it for a while."

"You?" Ronon chuckled. "Never going to happen."

"I did not believe you knew _how_ to sulk," said Teyla, her lips quirking into a grin. She squeezed Elizabeth's hand once, then let it drop. "We have already packed, and it will not take much effort to move our belongings." 

"I can't believe the two of you planned this out," said Elizabeth, looking bemused.

"What can we say?" asked Ronon, shrugging. "We like you."

"Apparently so," said Elizabeth. She sat back down to watch them.

"You're not helping?" Ronon crossed his arms and looked at her.

"Oh, no," said Elizabeth, shaking her head. "This was _your_ idea. You guys get to do all the work."

***

"Nice office." 

John looked up. For once, it was Kate standing in the doorway of his office. He frowned, just barely, at the sight of her shifting her weight nervously. "Well, you know," he said slowly. "I don't spend much time here."

"I didn't even know you had an office," said Kate, stepping inside and letting the door shut behind her. "Not until Laura told me about it."

"Ooh, and I was _just_ looking for a victim to run the botanists out to the mainland for a while," said John, opening a personnel file on his laptop. "I guess Lieutenant Cadman is going to have fun camping with the scientists."

"She might enjoy it," said Kate. "That _is_ a strong possibility."

"It's on _land_ ," said John. "Little Miss Fish Tail is going to hate every minute of it."

"We need to talk, John," said Kate, lacing her fingers together in front of her.

John's head snapped up as he peered at Kate. "Okay, those are never good words to hear," he said. "Are you breaking up with me?"

"No!" exclaimed Kate, her eyes widening. "No, of course not, it's just--"

"Let me guess, you want a break," said John dryly. "I've been through this."

"It's not that either," said Kate. "Will you just shut up and _listen_ to me?"

"I _am_ listening," said John, frowning. "What did you think I was doing?"

"Trying to avoid confrontation by using sarcasm to deflect anything that could elicit an emotional response," said Kate.

"Goddamn it, I knew dating a psychologist was a bad idea," said John. He leaned back in his chair. "Fine. I'm listening."

Kate took a deep breath. "I'm pregnant."

"Excuse me?" asked John, leaning forward. "I must not have heard you right. Did I just hear you say you were--"

"Pregnant." Kate nodded. "Yes."

"And it's mine?" asked John, leaning back quickly when Kate glared at him. "Okay, okay, it's mine. It's not like I doubt you, it's just that you're _pregnant_ , and how the hell did that happen?"

"Trust me, it's not like there were angels with trumpets, John," snapped Kate. "We had sex. We've been having sex for a while. There was a one in a million chance I'd conceive, and guess what? I did." 

"So, uh--" John shook his head, perplexed. "What're you going to do?"

"Have the baby," said Kate. "Why? What do you--" She walked forward, stopping when she was at the edge of his desk. "This is your baby too. What do you want?"

"I don't know," said John. "How am I supposed to have an answer to that?"

"You've got nine months to come up with something," said Kate. "Less time would be preferable."

***

"I can't believe you don't know how to play poker," grumbled Laura. "How'd _that_ happen?"

"I had better things to do with my time, Cadman," said Lorne. "You got any twos?"

"Go fish, loser," said Laura, smirking as Lorne started pulling cards out of the deck. "I spent more than half my life underwater and I _still_ managed to pick up on how to play poker."

"You feeling okay?" asked Lorne. "Not woozy from blood loss?"

"I'm fine. I just needed some water and a bunch of protein and iron for breakfast, all of which I had," said Laura. "I'm tough."

The door slammed open, and Colonel Sheppard stood in the doorway. "Where the hell have you two been?" he asked.

"Enjoying our morning of downtime, sir?" said Laura brightly.

"Well, get over it, because you two need to help the scientists with mucking out the latest lab we've discovered." John's smile was more like a baring of teeth. "They need people with the ATA gene, and you're my lucky, lucky volunteers. McKay and Zelenka will tell you what to do."

Laura and Lorne started piling their cards together, glancing warily at each other.

"Leave 'em!" snapped Colonel Sheppard. "What are you two waiting around, for me to put you on extra training rotations with Teyla and Ronon?"

"We're on our way out, sir," said Laura, glancing at Lorne and jerking her head at the door.

Kate had _so_ already told him.

***

"Kate, what's wrong?" asked Elizabeth, frowning. She walked quickly into Kate's office, then leaned over and pulled Kate's hair back as Kate retched into the waste basket. "God, that smells awful. I'm taking you to the infirmary."

"I'm fine, Elizabeth," said Kate, reaching blindly on her desk for a napkin and wiping at her mouth. "Carson can't help me. I need a specialist."

"Do you need to go back to Earth? Do we need to bring a specialist out here?" Elizabeth went to pour a glass of water and brought it over to Kate.

"Thanks," said Kate, one hand over her stomach as she sipped at the water. "I don't want to go back to Earth." She glanced up at Elizabeth, staring over the rim of her glass. "It's morning sickness."

"It's morning--" Elizabeth's eyes widened. "You're _pregnant_?"

"I'm hardly going to have morning sickness for any other reason," said Kate dryly.

"I thought every female member of this expedition was implanted with birth control that should last for five years," said Elizabeth, sitting down in one of the chairs.

"The doctors decided I didn't need it, as my medical records said I was infertile," said Kate. 

"And apparently you're not infertile," said Elizabeth. "Well."

"Trust me, this is more of a shock to me than it is to you," said Kate.

"Even more of a shock to John than to either of us, I'm guessing," said Elizabeth. "Unless you haven't told him yet?"

"Oh, no, I told him." Kate sighed.

"He didn't take it well, did he?" Elizabeth leaned forward, her elbows resting on her knees as she studied Kate.

"He asked if it was his."

"You didn't turn him into an animal, did you?" asked Elizabeth. "Though, frankly, this time I wouldn't blame you."

"You have no idea how much I was tempted," said Kate. "If he thinks a hamster is bad, he should see--"

"I don't think I want to know," said Elizabeth quickly.

"Probably a good idea," said Kate. 

***

"So, what's going on?" Laura sat down across from Kate with a full tray of food.

Kate glanced at Laura's tray and looked green. "Do you have to eat that here?"

"It's the mess." Laura shrugged. "Where else am I going to eat?"

"Good point." Kate sighed. "I hate this."

"You're telling me." Laura grimaced and poked at her mashed potatoes. "Everyone was on double sparring sessions today. _Please_ tell me you and the Colonel are making up soon."

"What do you care?" asked Kate sharply. "You can take it."

"Cranky much?" asked Laura. She took the brownie off her plate and stuck it on Kate's. "You need this more than me. Today he paired me up with Lorne, who is one of the guys who can dish it out at a level I can take it at. Also, I'm fairly sure that he suspects about me and Lorne, which is making him get even worse every time he sees us together."

"You haven't told anyone else?" Kate picked up the brownie and studied it, then took a tiny bite. 

"We _are_ breaking the rules," said Laura. "Mortal rules, sure, but we're living in their world, after all. I don't wanna get in trouble." She speared a piece of fish and shoved it into her mouth.

"You eat seafood?" Kate swallowed back bile. "Don't you _talk_ to fish?"

"Yeah, but so? I apologize first." Laura shrugged. "Guess I'm a little bloodthirsty."

"I'm going to be sick again."

***

"So what's up with Lorne?" asked Ronon gruffly. He was sitting on Elizabeth's bed, his back leaning against the wall and his arms resting lightly on bent knees.

"I do not know." Teyla was leaning back against Elizabeth, whose arms were wrapped around Teyla's waist. "I often see him in the company of Lieutenant Cadman, though. Perhaps they are involved with each other?"

"They don't smell like it." Ronon glanced over at Elizabeth. "What do you think?"

"Lieutenant Cadman always smells overwhelmingly like the ocean," said Elizabeth. "No matter what, she smells like saltwater."

"And fish," added Teyla. "She spends much time in their company."

"Aren't they serving fish in the mess today?" asked Elizabeth. "I hope she can find something else to eat."

"I saw her there already." Ronon shrugged. "I think she was eating the fish."

Elizabeth frowned. "Really? I couldn't imagine that if I were her."

"A month ago, you would not have contemplated eating raw steak," said Teyla. "Or being involved in the relationship that we are now in."

"Or being naked and holding Teyla while you're waiting for the moon to rise," said Ronon, smirking.

"That is covered under the relationship that I mentioned," said Teyla, giving Ronon a quelling look.

"You're just jealous," said Elizabeth, pulling Teyla's hair to the side and pressing a soft kiss against Teyla's neck.

\--end--


End file.
